NYC Midnight Round 1 - "The Butler's Waltz"

Back at the NYC Midnight writing competition again.  Here's my entry for the first round.

The assignment was a comedy/mansion/saxophone

The Butler's Waltz

The naked saxophonist sends a tender tone from the rooftop, his instrument glistening in the moonlight. Directly below him, a woman sleeps, her insides still warm from his jazz. Directly below her, the butler paces, trying to decide which sound irritates him more: the staccato squeaks of bedsprings, or the braying brass.

While another arpeggio echoes across the promenade, the butler reflects on the lace thong draped on the bust in the library, the bald spot forming on the bear skin rug in the fireplace room, and the tediousness of replacing hot tub filters. He decides that tonight's post-coitus concerto will be the last one.

He races through the hall, his reflection ricocheting off the polished records. He shoots up the marble stairway. He bangs through the observatory and onto the roof. Just as the nude musician reaches yet another climax, gunshots ring through the night.

The next morning delivers a different dalliance. The woman swoons watching the artist's mournful embouchure as he drinks his orange juice. Meanwhile, in the garden, the butler cleans up last night's wreckage. He finds that the clang of saxophone shards against the tin trash bin is a sound he thoroughly enjoys. 

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 Here are the judges thoughts
WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCRIPT - ...Um, Wow. This is really short and extremely powerful, and tightly written. Excellent--just see my notes.............Now that's an opening: "The naked saxophonist sends a tender tone from the rooftop, his instrument glistening in the moonlight. " I like the compression of the piece, the way it hits all its notes, like that rooftop sax player.............................................................   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ...I think this could use a little bit of expansion--especially because the man with the gun, although we obviously know what he's doing there and why because of the word "post-coitus", appears in what feels like a very sudden manner. Maybe just expand this a tad, so that the reader doesn't miss anything important.............Some of the words called too much attention to themselves I thought: reflection ricocheting, mournful embouchure, and so on. Sometimes the small, unobtrusive word is the right note to hit...............................…........................